The Love and Death of Another and My Own

Hello i know it has been a while since i last blogged on here, but im back now. Today im going to share with you what has been happening in my life and the slap in the face that came with it. Last July my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs. By the time the disease was caught, it had spread to his brain, liver and other vital organs. It was very surprising to all of us because he was a generally healthy guy who had never smoked or drank a day in his life. I was very close to him so this really tore me down. I had been having an amazing year and summer and I didn't want to hand it over to some hellish disease. I didn't want to sumbit to the fact that my Papa was dying. A few months later in a moment of desperation I googled "a cure for cancer," and as I had expected there were more than a few hits. I clicked on one and was a rather surprised at what i found. A Canadian company had found a break through drug that was supposedly the real deal. I was so excited that I had found a cure for my hero's illness that I rand downstairs and told my dad all about it. My mom who had been handling everything going on with the sickness because she had connections at VUMC, was not home at the time so my dad instructed my to tell her about when she got home. Well a few hours later when my mom pulled into the garage, I went downstairs to see her and share my news. She was so exausted though that I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her. I never told her about the website that I found.
That was in August or September. It was not long after that that I feel I hit rock bottom. On some saturday when I was home by myself and I was mad at the world (but mostly GOD) I posted on my facebook page that I felt like my life was an "endless ring of s***." I had the mentallity that it was all His fault that Papa was dying. A good friend told me when she saw it that it sounded like I was going to hurt myself. I changed the status but not the way I looked at life, not right then anyway. The next day at a marching band rehearsal or pregame thing I had a a really great friend tell me to watch what I was putting up there. I realized that wasn't the place to express my anger or sadness.
The contempt I was feeling for the Heavenly Father was melted into utter thankfulness for the angel he sent to keep me on track. A friend who I will call BM messaged me asking if I was doing alright and everything. I let my heart go and told her everything that I was feeling at that moment. She completely understood and her responce was filled with nothing but love and compassion. That one online conversation may have saved my life a few weeks later.
It was a sunday afternoon and I had been fighting with my dad about something and I was really upset. My Dad came into my room to console me but I just blew him off and carried on with my sulking. Suddenly a thought came into my mind that life might not be worth living anymore, that maybe this world didn't need me and I wasn't was important as my sunday school teachers had said. I was on my way downstairs to get a knife when my dad met me and said he would take my to youth. I went, 15 minutes late for a small group I was co-leader of. Somehow everyone understood what had almost happend 10 minutes before. The love of my friends saved my life.
My grandfather was promoted to glory on November 24, 2008, the monday before Thanksgiving. His memorial was that Wednesday. The most amazing part of this whole journey was not the care he recieved, but the joy that we were all able to find throughout the suffering. On that Thanksgiving, as were eating the meal that we all somehow contributed to, full servings of laughter and joy were passed around the table. We were able to remember a man who had changed all of our lives so tremendously while we should have been mouring his death. We told stories and shared memories that will last for lifetimes to come. It was in this ever-abundant love and kindness that I saw and continue to see, HE will answer.

Jack Kelso Allison
October 19, 1934-November 24, 2008
Forever will his memory ring in our hearts